


Go There To Come Back

by Maggiemaye



Category: Scorpion (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Ex-fiance run in, F/M, Fertility Issues, Gambling, Gen, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8344216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maggiemaye/pseuds/Maggiemaye
Summary: “Toby?”He startled at the sound of her voice, for a wild moment thinking he was still dreaming. But he turned around and there she was. Definitely not a Kovelsky’s regular. She’d grown her hair out since they’d last seen each other; now it fell in a blonde wave over her shoulder. But otherwise she looked the same; the same glasses, the same calm, steady expression.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My angsty thoughts about the 3x05 sneak peeks turned into an angsty Toby headcanon, oops.
> 
> Title was inspired by One Tree Hill episode 1x10, which was inspired by the Stereophonics album. It seemed fitting and I was uncreative today.

_That was our child, Toby. Our baby._

Toby’s eyes shot open. For once, he was glad that he and Happy didn’t live together yet, and that some mornings he woke up alone. He liked to think of himself as an open book for her, but he would have dreaded explaining why he’d just woken up in a cold sweat.

 _That_ voice had been haunting him at night again. It had been about a year since he’d last dreamed about her, and that day.

He couldn’t talk to anyone, obviously, but he really didn’t want to be alone at the moment either. So he got up quickly, showered and dressed, and headed to Kovelsky’s. It wasn’t too crowded this early on a Saturday morning, but the regulars were there like clockwork. Toby thought that being among people might provide the distraction he craved.

He’d just finished ordering his coffee when a high, hesitant voice got his attention.

“Toby?”

He startled at the sound of her voice, for a wild moment thinking he was still dreaming. But he turned around and there she was. Definitely not a Kovelsky’s regular. She’d grown her hair out since they’d last seen each other; now it fell in a blonde wave over her shoulder. But otherwise she looked the same; the same glasses, the same calm, steady expression.

“Amy.”

“Wow.” She smiled at him. “It’s nice to see you, Toby, you look great.”

Toby couldn’t believe that was possible. “Thanks. Uh, you too.”

She did look great. Amy always looked great. She was the most put-together person he’d ever met. They stood looking at each other in silence for just a beat too long.

“So,” she said quickly, “how are you?”

Normally Toby could have small talked his way out of the question. But there were so many possible answers, honest or not, and he couldn’t land on just one. Before he knew it his mind was spinning faster than he could follow; thoughts of Happy, Walter, that night he’d gotten on one knee, all interspersed among much older thoughts. It was suddenly all too much to fake his way through.

“Toby? Are you alright?”

Amy’s voice sounded distant, and Toby realized he hadn’t been taking enough air in.

“It’s just...maybe not the best time to ask that question.”

“Maybe you should sit down. You look pale all of a sudden.”

Amy led him over to an empty table, and he watched gratefully as she went to get him a cup of water. By the time she got back, she looked even more concerned.

“I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but you seemed like you were doing so well.”

She sounded disappointed.

“What?” Toby was confused for a split second before catching on. “No, it’s not about gambling. I’ve been clean and sober for a while now, amazingly.” He added the last word under his breath.

“Wow.” Her voice lilted in surprise. “Congratulations, that’s great.”

“Thank you,” Toby said with a halfhearted smile. The gambling thing had been so far from his mind lately that he’d almost forgotten it had ever been a problem. Amy, however, wouldn’t have forgotten.

“So, if gambling isn’t the issue…” she said, tilting her head to the side. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry. You just seem-”

“My girlfriend’s pregnant.”

Amy blinked. “Oh. Wow, um...that’s-”

“And she’s married to someone else. It’s not what it sounds like, though,” he added hastily as she raised her eyebrows. “It’s...uh…”

Toby didn’t realize he was waiting for a reprimand until it never came. He hadn’t had a listening ear in quite a long time; before the baby news, any of his attempts to talk about the situation had been shut down quickly. But now there was a ready, if unexpected, confidante right there in front of him. The whole story, minus the more incriminating legal details, came out in a rush. Model therapist that she was, Amy never interrupted him. She just adjusted her glasses and nodded along until he took another gulp of water just to stop himself from talking.

“Well,” she said when he finally finished. “Shit.”

Toby laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Exactly.”

“I don’t think I have any sage advice for this.”

“If I can’t make sense of it, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to. It’s bananas,” he said, shrugging. “But, there is the baby.”

Toby felt the involuntary smile start to grow, but shame lanced through him as he looked across the table at Amy. Her smile had turned sad.

“Amy, I’m so sorry. I just-”

“You’re excited about the baby.”

He looked down. “Yeah.”

“You should be,” she said quietly. “It’s exciting.”

“But _this,”_ he gestured to himself, “is not exactly the best environment to bring a child into.” He ran a hand down his face and groaned. “Can I do this? I mean, I’m a doctor, I know how keep a baby alive, but that doesn’t mean I can be a dad. Can I really be a dad?”

“Toby.” Amy looked up at him, putting a gentle stop to his word vomit. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

Toby couldn’t believe she looked so confident. “But-”

“I know what you’re thinking about. I still think about it too, sometimes.”

Her hand disappeared under the table.

“But you shouldn’t worry. A lot of time has passed since...then. And I’ve seen you with kids, you’re a natural. You’re going to be a good father.”

For once, Toby didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how how not to think about it, especially now. Compartmentalizing was a survival skill he’d developed early, but Happy’s announcement had brought _that_ day out of its locked box. The shame of it was spilling over into everything.

“How’s Wim--Quincy?”

Amy’s face was somehow both disapproving and amused. “He told me the two of you ran into each other on campus last year.”

“Yeah.” Toby rubbed the back of his neck. “You probably don’t need two sides of that story.”

“Things are fine. We’re, uh-” She cleared her throat. “We’re going to try in vitro soon.”

It might have just seemed like a conversational tidbit to anyone listening, but Toby and Amy could both feel the weight of her comment. Instantly, it sent him spiraling back to that day.

_Toby’s head was pounding and his eyeballs felt like sand, but he could still recognize that Amy was the most distressed he’d ever seen her._

_“You’re telling me our IVF money is gone?” she demanded, her voice shaking. “Every bit of it?”_

_“Babe, I swear I was about to double it, I was so close-”_

_“That was our child, Toby. Our baby. I can’t believe you would...you would give away our lives like this-”_

_She dissolved into panic, and Toby started to grasp the reality of what he had done. Amy’s heart had been set on in vitro after hearing that it would probably be her last option to have a baby. He’d wanted the same thing; how long had he looked forward to a future with Amy? But when there were bets on the table the future never mattered. Maybe it had never really mattered to him in the first place._

_“You,” Amy finally managed, glaring at him, “have completely derailed my life. I can’t believe how many years I’ve wasted trying to-”_

_“Trying to what, save me? You can’t.”_

_“Then I’ll save myself.” Her back straightened and she crossed her arms. “Get out.”_

Toby blinked back to the moment to find Amy smiling faintly across the table. Looking the same and yet so different. She looked sad, given the subject matter, but she still seemed more relaxed than he’d ever seen her while they had been together. Toby wondered if he seemed the same to her.

“I’m happy for you. You deserve it, Amy.”

“I thought you should know,” she said firmly. “Life goes on. I thought it was too late for me, but I was wrong.”

Toby took in her comment silently. A part of him was amazed that Amy was going out of her way to make him feel better, considering the way he had torpedoed their relationship. But maybe that was the whole point. It had been years, and they had both put their lives back together again. There were a few broken pieces, of course, but wasn’t that inevitable?

“Maybe next time we see each other we’ll both have a screaming kid to wrangle,” he finally said, smirking.

She laughed for the first time. “I hope so.” Her posture still seemed relaxed, but Toby noticed her checking her watch.

“You have to go.”

“I do. Will you be okay?”

He shrugged. “I think I actually feel a little better.”

“Well, you’re not the only psychologist at this table. Not that you needed one, though.” She stood up. “Good luck, Toby.”

They exchanged a small smile, and Amy walked out the door without looking back.

He finished his coffee, staring idly at the people milling around him. Before leaving, he considered ordering a bear claw for Happy. She’d had a bigger sweet tooth than usual lately, and maybe he _had_ been going overboard trying to force protein into her. Downing the rest of his coffee, Toby went to the counter and ordered the pastry before he could second-guess it.

He could trust himself, just this once.


End file.
